Being an adventurous kinda gal, I thought it was high time I got myself an exotic disease. Something I could bore fellow arseholes about, gain sympathy for (involving insincere protests as large vodkas were thrust my way), and generally entitle to me to flop about on a chaise longue for a bit.
But as the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for…
Circa mid-2020 I duly got said exotic disease. It was finally diagnosed around February time this year. And I’ve not been too great, to be honest. Being a generous exotic disease, it also gave me a large dose of face pox.
In my mind’s eye, I looked like Ava Gardener – who reputedly had the best skin in Hollywood and was a filthy minx in the sack. Who knew?
But the reality? I’ll tell you what the reality was…gawpers. Gawping at my pox. So I had to adopt a ‘strategy’ to deal with said gawpers. Behold…
I’ve been on this medication, that medication, this pox cream and that. None of them any laughs – particularly as I couldn’t drink – which scuppered part of my cunning plan.
Yes, there’d be no making mine a sarsparilly. Nor a large vodka (when you’re ready, Squire). Little ice. Heavy on the diet coke. Side order of Nobby’s Nuts. Pffft.
Instead, it was biopsies and ball ache. And the biopsy for my lower eyelid was truly japes and larks, as the eye consultant began cutting before the anaesthetic had kicked in…
You try that again, my old china, and there’ll be a fist inserted up your hooter.
As you might imagine, along with the wholesomeness of lockdown, my exotic disease and medications made me a little glum and gave me some of that brain fogging malarkey. Which in turn, fucked about with my keyboard activities…
…I have no idea who I am, what I had for breakfast, what way around my pants are on or what the bumfuckery I’m meant to be doing with this typewriter…
Hang on. Time out…
What’s this coming over the hill? Is it a monster?
No! It’s Julie Andrews and her swirling skirt!
Wassat she’s telling me?
I’m getting better? On the home straight?
Pull my finger out my arse and get back to writing?
A slap around the chops with some old curtains?
Climb every mountain?
Stop being a big Jessie?
Julie Andrews has spoken. And so it shall unfold.
And I am getting better. A lot better. And although I’m meant to be avoiding some of that ‘stress’ stuff which might cause another episode, my nut pox is clearing nicely and my eyelid has healed.
So time to get back to it. Blog a bit more often. Apply myself to my writing with a clearer head (in both senses…) and….
VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!
Oops…that can’t be right? Can it?
Nah. Someone’s ‘aving a larf! Shirley?
This blog was written with thanks and gratitude to Dr Chris Bowen, Dermatology Consultant at the RD&E. Left untreated/undiagnosed, my exotic disease can cause fatality.
Then I’d never get my next book done…
Laters!
PS – happy to report that with the latest change of meds, I’m now firmly back on the voddies and boring everyone senseless within a 2-metre radius. I’m good like that…
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