20 Bits of Bollocks about Me…

1. As things stand, I have no bollocks.
2. I have been on a Concorde but didn’t fly anywhere.
3. In my misspent youff, I once accidentally stole someone’s front garden gate and took it to a pub for a drink.
4. My all time favourite book is London Fields by Martin Amis (runners up: A Ladder to the Sky by John Boyne and The Collector by John Fowles).
5. I passed my driving test at the age of 50. I did not enjoy the whole ‘learning experience’ and was prone to shouting out, ‘Fuck this for a lark!’ during my lessons.
6. I am a shit driver.
7. Two people came to my wedding and I only knew one of them. (I do not include the old man in this calculation as I had prior knowledge of him).
8. I have twice invaded the pitch at Brisbane Road (home to the mighty Leyton Orient), and not knowing what to do once there, followed suit, and generally bounced around a lot with my arms in the air. It is possible I shouted out, ‘Oi! Oi!’ a number of times.
9. I fell in love with the Orbit during the London 2012 Olympics and had dreamy thoughts about it becoming a love nest for me and Wiggins.
10. I do not like getting older and am of the firm belief I should be excluded from the ageing process.
11. I once came back from the gym with a rogue pair of underpants in my bag. I no longer have ownership of said underpants, but thought you should know this happened.
12. As an atheist, I do not celebrate Christmas in any form whatsoever (except having a gargle of vodka). On Christmas Day, I am normally found somewhere up Dartmoor and jabbing my finger towards something visually pleasing.
13. I began work at 15 (a few weeks before my 16^th birthday) at Leo Burnett Advertising in Covent Garden. At the time, it was the 4^th biggest agency in the world. I didn’t have the right qualifications – but saw off a cast of thousands for the role as it was thought my jocular personality would fit in with the (male-dominated) team’s boozy and foul-mouthed antics. I thought the job would be as a creative, thinking up advertisements and therefore, right up my street. Turned out to be print and press production. I stuck to the job (but not the agency) for 14 years. I regret never pushing for a creative role.
14. During one of my many cliff top walks, I once let out a robust and unsavoury fart that had me fearing the worst – particularly as I was sporting white jeans at the time. In an attempt to ‘assess the situation’, I bent over, phone in hand, and struggled and strained and contorted as I attempted to take a selfie of my arse (not as easy as you might think, kiddies)…at the precise moment a group of ramblers popped out of nowhere and came shuffling by. I do not believe I will be offered the role of poster girl for ‘Escape to the Country’.
15. I am yet to shit myself when walking over a cliff top.
16. I am prone to; getting overexcited; being impatient; going too far; the blues. In short, I would say I am not the full shilling.
17. On a whim, and based on (16) I gave up my advertising career and buggered off to live in Cyprus. 4 years later, I buggered back.
18. I do not know what is happening to my eyebrows these days. Or more accurately – where the fuck they are disappearing to. Aside from daubing at them with a cheap eyebrow pencil, I now find myself fashioning them into a crude comb over. Some days I am mistaken for Bobby Charlton (a blatant untruth).
19. I am a survivor of domestic violence. The perpetrator was brutally murdered about 10 years ago. That took some processing. And vodka.
20. I love incorporating humour into my writing and have been known to amuse myself in the process (unless it turned out I was sitting on my hand…). I have always wanted to entertain and my dream is to see someone reading my work (particularly, some poor sod shoehorned into a sweaty tube train) and giving them a much-needed snort. One day, Rodney. One day…

Thank you for reading.

And on the vague note of buggering off – I’m hot-footing it to Cyprus next week.

Doubtless, I’ll be hammering the bejesus out of Instagram for a fortnight with gummy grins, jumbo melons (the fruit…), old boys with heavily lined faces, knickers on a washing line and votvot and vot vot…

See you there! X

Ha-ha ha-ha!! I’m outta here, suckers! Oh fuck….I forgot to wax my bikini line……..